The Grandchildren

I still can hardly believe Lindsey is here. And giving me another great granddaughter soon. I lived to see this! All the years I dreamed of having her back!! She did come here briefly a few times over the years but now she is Here. Living with me,  a part of my household. It's like waking up to every day being your birthday. I know she might end up going back south, but she is here Now. She is bright, intelligent,  funny, feisty and sweet. This is all the answer to thousands of prayers. 

Jenise has been rolling out astonishing poetry. It is older than she is and just flows from her like it did from me  But it is better. She can write freestyle, an art I never quite mastered or even understood. 

I'm sure I have been this heartbroken several times. Doesn't make it any easier.  I miss Jessalynn so much still every day!! My mind just goes over an over it all day and night. I miss her so much I start to wonder if I should have just let it go that she said I was treating Jeremy disgustingly.  The voice that says that is SO LOUD, especially at night. I know I shouldn't have just let it go but the hard part is that my reaction was definitely wrong. I lash out when I am deeply wounded. Well. This time I ran away, hoped for an apology, Then lashed out way too harshly when I didn't get one.  Disgusting.  How could she think that?? How could she say that??  I hate that I KNOW she feels that she said Nothing Wrong. She has Never treated me with Respect. I noticed it most when she was in high school but I world"let it slide" figuring she just needed to grow up. She grew up even more disrespectful.   Why would I miss someone like that?? I do have other h et...

Everyone is ready for today to be painful for me. It is but, like after any death, the pain does lessen with time. I know she will never be back in my life or ever know or care how badly she hurt me.  Accepting that puts it in the rearview.   I regret lashing out at her, trying to hurt her for hurting me. I don't even know what all I said. I just remember looking at her stony, angry face seeing everything I said bounce off of her hatred and disgust for me. I do not regret deciding she couldn't talk to me that way. Maybe my fault for ever making her think she didn't have to be respectful of me in my home. But then, Who would think disrespect had to be explained to a grown grandchild?? Her birthday will pass just fine. 

I thought my story with Lindsey when she jumped on Jeanette's sick bandwagon but maybe not?? She wrote on a comment with Julie,  I was telling Julie why I had the saddest Christmad and Lindsey thought it was about her. She wrote that I couldn't disown her (I hadn't said I was disowning anyone) , not exactly a nice message but it still gave me Hope.  Especially since she also sent a friend request. Maybe.

What happened with Jessalynn Christmas was caused by an old problem caused by a mistake I seem to make over and over. Or maybe it's just the way it is because I'm so flawed. My grandchildren, one of my children, have No Respect for me. Maybe I don't think about it enough? I don't seem to realize that no one respects me until it slaps me in the face. It has to be my fault. I assume that people respect me because I see myself as someone who Should Have the respect of people. I manage to take care of my family no matter how little I have to do it. I have good morals that I base my life on and try to teach others.  But I must be just totally missing something.  I think back over my relationship with Jessalynn and see now that she has never really Treated me with respect. We have spent a lot of time together. I have been the person she turned to for advice and help or just the one she called if she was sad or sick. But I have allowed a large measure of closeness that you wou...