My Grandchildren

In order of birth: Lindsey Perton, Jessalynn Fitzgerald, Joey Manning, Jenise Belk, Michelle Manning, Robert Belk, Jasmine Avant, Riley Belk, and Kira Mundell.
I barely know some of them, but I love all of them. I even have a great granddaughter I dont know at all, Addie.
Lindsey was the first and was my world for her first 5 years. Or at least what my world revolved around. I still had teenage daughters and even a husband for family those years, but we all seemed to revolve around Lindsey. 

Jami and John, Lindsey's father, had a lot of problems. Lindsey was born 1lbs 11oz. I flew to San Antonio when Jami called and said she was in labor and I got there about an hour after she was born. She was unbelievably tiny but she was born a survivor. She was only on oxygen a very short time and then breathing on her own. She did suffer a small brain bleed but the blood absorbed without surgery and we wouldn't think about it again for years. One doctor told us that she likely had cerebral palsy and that she was "definitely" blind and deaf, None of Which turned out to be true. But I think the 4 months she spent in the NICU made it hard for her parents to bond with her, especially Jami.

John was in the Air Force, he enlisted when Jami told him she was pregnant. He left Jami in an apartment that he said he had paid the rent up on but it turned out that he hadn't even paid a deposited there so he actually left her homeless, a pattern of lies he would continue.

After Lindsey got out of the hospital they moved to Vegas where John was stationed. It was a nightmare for Jami. I remember one time Jami called saying John had left her at a hotel with no food, not even milk for Lindsey. I called a cab company, found a cabbie who took my credit card over the phone to take Jami to a store and wait for her there and I  found a store that also took my card over the phone so she could get what she needed. I was so angry!! I wanted to help Jami but I also wanted to show John that I had a very long reach if he abused Jami. And I Did.

Sad but funny, Jami returned to Onaha saying that John was following driving the car and that he had $1500 with him to get them a home etc. We all knew John by now. I told her that he would arrive broke saying he got robbed at a gas station. So close! He arrived broke saying he left his wallet at a gas station and it was gone when he went back to find it. 🤣😂🤣 

The John stories could fill a book. I have to tell my All Time Favorite. John went through a time of talking landlords into letting him move in without paying a dime. I was with him once and witnessed the "magic". That landlord, Jaffy Lafari, hates me to this day just for being with John. Around this time Jami got into an altercation with 4 guys and one of them broke her nose. John called us at my house saying he thought he had killed the biggest guy involved and that he needed help. When I got there he gave me a bundle of clothes that he said were covered with the guy's blood and they needed cleaned or destroyed. Jami and Carrie were instructed to clean the blood smeared all over his car. He told us about the fight in detail. How it took place in a deserted cemetery and how the guy begged for mercy clinging to John's pant leg but he kept kicking him. I took the clothes home and put them in the washer full of hot water and I was about to pour in a bottle of bleach when the smell of Kool Aid hit me. I called Jami who was laughing already because she and Carrie had just noticed the smell of kool aid in the "bloody" car.

Definitely our favorite John story!

Steve and I got Lindsey when she was two years old and had her until she was five. As I said, our world revolved around her. When we decided to buy a house two things were considered. Did it have a place for Rob's band to practice and was it in a good school district for Lindsey.

She had a beautiful bedroom. I got a bed with a white frame and painted her favorite Power Puff girls all over it. I remember sitting there in front of the white headboard terrified to start,  terrified that I couldn't do it.  When I finally dared to make the first brush stroke my muse took over, thank God! and she had a Power Puff bed 🙃. Lindsey Never Slept In It.  She would only sleep with us. After a while we put a toddler bed next to ours and tried moving it a few more inches away from ours each night but after it got a foot away she scooted it back next to ours and then climbed in bed with us.

The heartbreak I went through when I lost her was right up there with the death of my father and brother and loss of my husband, all earth shattering for me.

Jami married Mikey and I've been told they convinced his family that I was Crazy and Evil so they gave them money for a lawyer to end our guardianship of Lindsey. Jami married Mikey, and they took her when she finished kindergarten and completely severed my ties to Lindsey for 3 years. Mikey also told the Air Force that I was Crazy and Evil so I was banned from entering the base where they lived.

My bitterness here is that if I had any contact with Jami i believe I could have helped her with her drug addiction back then. It just got worse and worse with Mikey because he financed it and would eventually join her in it. I KNOW he was addicted to oxycontin by the time Michelle was born. They both told me that during the panic when the hospital where Michelle was born called and said they were sending a sherriff to the house to talk to them. 

Mikey was so naive and So Much believed ANYTHING Jami told him that Mikey said he would be ok if he was drug tested because Jami had told him that oxycontin could only be detected for 24 hours in a drug screen. He said I was lying when I said it could be detected for 3 days in urine and longer if used daily and that it stayed in hair for three months, but then he looked at Jami's expression and knew that I was telling the truth.  Another example of Mikey's misinformation was he told Jeremy, who had used Marijuana for years to help control epilepsy (now a common practice), that marijuana was a Much worse drug than oxycontin or even meth! (Even so, Jeremy gave up the marijuana when we applied to adopt Kira. Still won't touch it.) Mikey  called the Air Force police to be there when the sheriff came.

Back up a little here, to explain why Jeremy and I were there at this time. We were living in Texas, actually had a pretty good, happy life by this time. Jami called in a panic. Said that she was in a warm bath and taking muscle relaxers to try to stop her labor with Michelle. We didn't even know that she was pregnant!! She told me she had been doing oxycontin and meth while pregnant and needed time for it to leave her system. Then she asked if Jeremy and I could come and be there to take Michelle if she was born with drugs in her system and Jami lost custody. I seriously (and correctly) doubted that I could get Michelle with all of the slander Mikey had spread about me and I was no longer a Nebraska resident. I was worried about getting stranded in Nebraska and losing everything we had in Texas, which included all of the things we had inherited from my mother.  They swore that we wouldn't end up stranded in Nebraska but, if we did have to stay, they promised that Mikey would go in his truck and get our things.

Which turned it to be me Bullshit. 

(Mikey was busy so we ended up stranded in Nebraska and homeless and lost everything we owned in Texas.)

The sherriff and military police arrived. The sherriff informed us that Michelle was born with so much drugs in her system that she wouldn't even start going through withdrawals for two weeks so she would be placed where someone experienced in infant withdrawal could care for her. Jami was drug tested by the sheriff's people but the military said they were the only ones allowed to evaluate Mikey. (Heresay, I did not Hear this conversation) IF they even tested Mikey it sure wasn't made available to the court that decided what happened to the children. We were informed that CPS had already picked up Lindsey and Joey from school and that they were being placed in Foster Care, thankfully together. I dont remember if it was the next day or when,  but I remember Mikey coming up behind me and whispering,  "Please don't freak out but John just picked up Lindsey from foster care." "Don't freak out??!" I WANTED MIKEY DEAD.

So not only was Lindsey on her way to Florida with a despicable man but also Joey was now alone in a foster home.

The military (who deemed Mikey innocent) told him that if he put Jami out of the house immediately and cleaned up the house (and it had layer upon layer of filth) that he could have Joey and Michelle. This was very unfair to Jami but at least the girls would have one parent. Mikey's parents came and the 5 of us scrubbed and cleaned that house. That put us working side by side with the people who not only helped make all of this possible but who believed I was crazy and evil as well as mother of the person they solely believed was responsible for everything. I want to say here that Mikey's parents are very, very Good People. Salt of the earth as they say. They were just grossly misinformed,  blindly believed in Mikey,  and I'm fairly sure they understood nothing about drug addiction and probably even now don't believe Mikey was not only addicted to oxycontin but  they would Never believe how much he supported Jami's addiction or how he blocked me from getting her help and he sure wasn't going to tell them.  Or anyone.  Ever.  His mother was scrubbing the banister and ranting about how could Jami Do This to her family and What kind of woman Let things get this bad etc. on an endless loop until I went to Mikey and said he'd better let his parents know about his own culpability in this mess before I did. He did tell them Something, as little as he could but Something admitting that he wasn't totally innocent and the constant ranting went down to a mumble so we could all work together to fix the home Jami was banned from for Mikey to get Joey and Michelle. 

I tracked down Jami. She was staying in someone's unfinished basement without even electricity. I couldn't help her. We had spent everything we had getting to Nebraska. Mikey did nothing for her. Funny after all the years of declaring that he was her savior who dedicated his life to protecting her from me and then he just threw her out like trash. Yes, it was to save Joey and Michelle, they definitely came First,  but Jami was as also starving in a dark, wet, basement after years of being pampered and given access to all the drugs she could do. And Mikey was absolutely protecting Mikey maybe first and foremost.  I believe now,  decades later, he even believes his lies himself.  

In their house there were buckets of pee in the bedrooms so Jami could monopolize the bathroom to do drugs. There were syringes stashed Everywhere. Mikey knew everything and did nothing to try to stop it. After Michelle was born and Jami was released from the hospital Mikey gave her $50 to pick up some meth to celebrate on the way home. ALL of their drug dealers I would talk to the next few weeks talked about how Cool Mikey was, how often he was with her when she scored. 

Yes, I do love Mikey. How can I know these things and still say that?? First, you would have to meet Mikey in person to see Why. He is not, doubt he could be, a Bad Person. I think he just has a Savior Conplex that bordered on a God Complex with Jami. And an unbelievable blindness to Reality. He has done a good job raising the girls but even aside from that there is just something good and loveable about him. I have no clue How,  but part of me Believes he thought he was helping Jami. But IF his idea of helping was something like just making sure she was safe scoring the drugs she needed, then children should Never have been part of the plan. Whenever I confronted him about Jami's drug use over the years he either told me she wasn't doing drugs or that he had it under control and always that he believed he was her SAVIOR and always that I should Mind My Own Business. Once when I asked how he could possibly Not See what was going on he actually called me an "evil fucking bitch" spitting in my face as he screamed it.  I suppose now that he is raising children he knows that our children are Always a parents business.

The bitterness. First, that the girls Mikey raised blame and hate Jami for everything and feel it is their right to call her when they want and Tell her how much they hate her. 

Second, Mikey took and kept Jami out of my reach when she was barely an adult. All those early, precious years when helping her could have been the most effective. Before oxycontin became the horrifying street drug of choice. Maybe I couldnt have saved her. If I Could Have I will never know because he made it impossible for me to try. I know bitterness is evil,  I have prayed every night for 20 years for God to either take this bitterness from my heart or to at least forgive me for it. I begin to think that the latter is all I can hope for.

I did think that Mikey would someday apologize,  maybe just for the obvious things like keeping me pointed to a chair while Jami beat me for hours. Maybe admit a tiny bit that taking Lindsey from Steve and me probably ruined her life.  But no.  He did see this journal once and actual commented that "I don't remember it quite like you seem to" or some such disclaiming bullshit. 

While we were in Texas Jeremy and I did find a way to talk to Lindsey. She was maybe 7 years old then?? I had told Jeremy how Mikey and Jami had taken her and that they wouldn't even let me talk to her on the phone. They didn't know Jeremy's voice so he called until he figured out that Mikey and Jami slept late on Sundays and Lindsey would answer the phone!!!! OMG the heavens opened up for me❣❣

I locked  down my grief over losing Lindsey for years to survive but I always clung to the hope that she would remember me,  come to me, someday when she grew up.

The Lindsey who did come back at 16 was a stranger to me. Hell, in many ways she was a stranger to the world. I took her to a psychiatrist who looked up her records and told me that John had had her committed over 30 times in the years he had her but that the psychiatrist could see no psychiatric Reason. She was sane but crazy from the life she had lived.
I didnt have her long. A blink and she was gone. She found drugs, drugs found her, it was situational, it was genetic,  Lindsey was quickly lost in addiction. She might still be. I know she lost custody of Addie, her daughter, because of drug problems.  I know I had to let her go because I just couldnt help. Mikey tried, I tried, lots of people probably tried but she got lost. A few years ago I let go of the fantasy that something in  her remembered the love we shared when she was a toddler, that that was our link, and had admit to myself that what she saw in me was just another person who out of love would send her money or help whenever asked. My wake up call was once when Jazzy was in the hospital and we were hanging on by a thread here trying to take care of her and the other kids and not lose our home and abity to survive and Lindsey would call and not ask anything about us, not hear anything I said about us, just WILL YOU SEND ME MONEY.
I had to let her go. I felt like I was fighting for all our lives and had to save the innocent first, then everyone who touched their lives, and anyone who didnt care about the little ones First couldn't be a part of our lives. I knew Max had Addie, hopefully safe. And I knew that only Lindsey could save herself.
Joey and Michelle were also on the fringe of my life but I knew they were safe with their father, more than safe, I knew he was giving them the story book life I had demanded from him for them. I've only seen them a few times because they are so far away but I love them very, very, much. In so proud of who they are growing up to be and of Mikey for making it possible although he holds his share of the blame for me losing them and even for me losing Jami.  I know they don't feel like they lack family! Mikey comes from a big, loving family and he took them to grow up in the midst of them. I saw them last year when Teresa died. So grateful to Mikey that they have obviously been raised to love their distant grandma!! So Hate Mikey that he raised them to believe Jami was to blame for Everything.  

And,  really,  how was that Good For Michele and Joey? When I questioned Why when I found out they had Joey I asked Mike WHY would he chose to have children with Jami?? He said they had a deal,  that any babies would be 100% his responsibility. He had agreed to do Everything while Jami did drugs.  What about all the drugs he paid for during her pregnancies?? If anyone still has their wedding pictures and the dozen pictures that hung in the walls in their house on base,  Jami is very obviously VERY strung out in. Every. Picture. She didn't 'bond' with Joey,  had never 'bonded' with Lindsey, never had the chance to bond with Michelle,  and I'm pretty sure can't 'bond' with Anyone. 

Jami made it to Minesota once to see her girls. I'm not sure what happened. I know they met at a mall and that Mikey's wife, who has some kind of anxiety problem, freaked out and ran away and the visit ended abruptly. That was just Jamis side, there could be more, because that alone makes no sense. But it also broke my heart for Jami. I found out layer that his present wife,  Angie, who the girls call Mom,  was another "rescue" of Hero Mikey, this time alcoholism,  and this time more successful but she's still an anxiety ridden mess sometimes. 

 Jami had No Rights to her daughters,  which was fine,  but they could have been raised Honestly,  told that Mike knowingly bred with a junkie while planning to be their sole care giver.  Maybe they wouldn't have had to go thru feeling like they had a mother who recklessly had and abandoned them.  Maybe Hate wouldn't be resting in their hearts. It could just be love that their father wanted them so badly, wait, how can I end that?? "That he didn't care about the condition of the mother" ?? "That he would breed with Anyone in Any condition" ??

I don't know.  I'm sure he could come up with something to make him sound great. 

Then there are the kids I have been close to. Jessalynn turned 18 this year and is headed off to college next fall. She has been living with me most of her life since she was 3. Even when she lived with her mom for a while, we always had a  bedroom for her at our home and always managed to live within 2 miles of her. I was there when she was born but had to go to Texas when she was only 3 months old because Mom was dying, but we seemed to bond instantly when i returned and she was one of the closest bonds in my life. Funny, it has been changing the last couple of years, she lives with her father and it seemed more and more like she is trying to take care of me in her own way, mostly giving her 18 year old advice which always strongly included that I should get rid of Jeremy. (Not likely or possible, he has many times been all I've had.) I've always called her the Apple of My Eye. I know I was  listed as Apple on her phone. I remember when she was little and asked me why I called her that and she loved the answer. She still is my shiny little Apple, but rather rotten at the core.  She was a 'good girl' but had a lot of little red flag type things.  With all that she was given,  she was often stench and mean with the other grandchildren, especially Jenise. I once got her a little snack and drink tasty for the car and when i wanted to pass it on to Jenise she said "NO". Period. I also saw a very judgemental and unforgiing heart in her. If she felt a friend wronged her she was just DONE. Family, too. She had a altercation with Jami that, first of all shouldnt havr happened, it was None or Her Business. She butted in and Jami had just lost half her hearing and couldn't even hear what was being said in the echoing hall this occurred in, and I don't remember what Jessalynn heard Jami say but she said she would NEVER forgive Jami and if course she didn't.  It will NEVER occur to Jessalynn that she was in the wrong for butting in. I want so very much for her but most of all I just want her to be happy but it seemed that's going to be too much to ask for her as she is. She's been through some heartbreak, and I hate knowing that she will live through more and worse like we all do  but i hate even more that she will never really LEARN from these things.  Not the things that she needs to learn. I can't prevent it, all I can do is try to give her, help her have, as many happy moments as I can while I am here for her. Then maybe she'll have an epiphany or get a good therapist!! but I Never Forget that this was a teenager who turned her mom in for drugs and had her thrown out of the house on the streets because she said something mean to her. Just. Wow.

And honestly, at the time. I told Social Services to just take Jessalynn,  but it doesn't work that way.  Either Jess had to leave off they would take All Six children out of my home. The children,  including Jessalynn,  were never in danger,  always cared for,  and Jeanette and I were taking care of Jess's drug issues.  (That were made what they were from a man breaking in her house and Raping her!) We actually had the papers filled out to put her in a hospital the next day! but it couldn't be legally done without an address for her and she no longer had one.  I'll write about that time period later.  This is supposed to be about the Grandchildren...

Then came Jenise. She was born while I was in Texas still. Jeremy and I took a bus to Omaha to meet her when she was born. I had been in contact with Jeanette,  had even been sending her and Rob money and gifts from Texas. Then we got here and I called and Jeanette (with Rob yelling in the background) refused to pick us up from the bus station and take us to our hotel and hung up on me. I still have No Clue WHY except Rob was a superior ASSHOLE still back then and had decided that I,  who had always been there for him! was now beneath him.  Jeremy ended up talking  to Rob like he did (just taking command of a weaker personality)  and Jeremy ordered Rob to at least come take us to our hotel,  but it was a frigid,  hate filled ride.
Jenise was in a carseat in the back. We locked eyes, I dont think I've ever held an infant's gaze like that before. Mom told me to look for her in my next born grandchildren and Jenise was the first since Mom died.  I leaned in and whispered, "Mom? Are you in there?" It was like time stood still and we just drank each other up. Jeanette has commented many times about the magic of that moment.
They dumped us at the hotel and we didnt see them again the 2 weeks we were in town. When it hurt, and it hurt a lot! instead of crying I just remembered Jenise's eyes and I Knew I was locked in her heart and she in mine. 

Jessica and Pat visited us a couple of times at the hotel. I remember once Jess brought spaghetti and meatballs but no forks and we were so hungry we ate it with our hands. But what I remember most about their visits was when they brought Jessalynn.  She was about two and as Jess set her down across the huge king size bed from me Patrick explained that Jessalynn was very shy with strangers. Jessalynn did flip rolls across the bed towards me landing in my lap looking up at me laughing. Her parents were amazed and I was hopelessly in love!

I had talked to Jami before we left Texas and she acted excited that we were coming but then everytime I called the house either no one answered or Mikey answered and said Jami wasn't home. We waited at the hotel until we were out of money and then took our things to live in the park downtown until we could figure out how to get home to Texas. I looked up freight train schedules and we were about to try hopping freights to get home when I heard Lindsey scream "Grandma!" And there she was running down the bank of the Riverwalk to me. She leaped and I caught her in the air. And there was Jami, like we hadn't been trying to contact her for 2 weeks. She said something about No Clue we were in town but I was holding Lindsey tight and didn't even care it was all lies.  She took us to her house and then a few days later she and John Hupp gave us a ride back to Texas. Now, that's another story for elsewhere,  too!!

Back to grandchildren.

Yes, I digress a Lot. I'm an old woman with a very convoluted story...

I should separate all the background stuff out, maybe I will if I live long enough. With my Death Sentence I know I'll likely never get that done but I'll try if there's time...

I missed Robby's birth by minutes.  I was at the hospital and stepped out and he was born. Jeanette just spit out both the boys!! I was fascinated with Robby. We had never had a boy in the family.  I guess I somehow thought they would just be different from girls from birth. But he was just a baby just like the girls.  Loved being cuddled and kissed and stared at the world with the same awe.

I didn't leave the room for a second when Jeanette was in labor with Riley. It was the first time I saw a natural birth!! And woah-- I'll Never Forget It. 

Riley came out with his eyes wide open facing me in a flood of water. It was amazing!! I had a hand on Jeanette's knee and I felt two snaps as he shot out. Later we found out that was Jeanette's tailbone and Riley's collar bone breaking ☹.

I didn't see Robby and Jenise much the first few years. She and Rob worked opposite scheduled to take care of them, and Jeanette only called me a few times to babysit. And Rob still thought he was so much better than me or Jeremy.  

When Riley was about a year old Rob caught Jeanette cheating with Patrick, father of Jessalynn,  and there was a very, very messy split up. We moved Jeanette out and into an apartment near us. 

Then I saw Lots of her children!! 

Jeremy and I would be charged several times with running an unlicensed daycare over the next few years and were evicted from 2 homes for having too many children living with us. But we had about 6 years with all 6 grandkids living with us. It was unbelievably difficult and just as unbelievably rewarding. 

I'm writing this January 2021. There are so many hard, heartbreaking, stories of how I ended up here!! But all I really have left of my big family right now is Jami, Kira,  Jazzy and the ever loyal Jeremy. 

When Mom made me promise to stay with Jeremy so I would never be alone so she could die in peace she sure picked the right guy!! She said, "You have terrible taste in men, I get to pick for you now!!"  and then,  "This one will never leave you!" prophetic words that David Lemmons would someday turn into a hilarious joke!! 

Jeremy was truly all I had when Mom died.  Jami and Jess came to Texas for her funeral and didn't say One Word to me. Mom knew.  She still thought Dow Corning would pay her 2 million dollar lawsuit to me after she died and she told me that my brother Mike would try to have me declared insane and claim it all. She gave me a plan written in his handwriting to have me put away and told me to keep it, that it, with something she said she had already arranged, would assure that I got the money and that she would haunt me if my children were given ANY  of it except for maybe Jeanette.  Of course, Dow Corning never paid, and I never saw any will she might have made about it.

Jeremy has often driven me half insane and I have often wondered if her low oxygen level affected Mom's choice for me!! But, whatever happens,  the fact is that Jeremy was all I had when she died and he is the only one I remain 100% sure stands by me unconditionally. She always said, "He has strong, loyal, kind eyes". He's a klutz and a terrible driver but she wouldn't let me call Michael for what would be her last ride to the hospital. Jeremy gently carried her to the car and drove us to her hospital.

And I will definitely tell the whole Jeremy story under a different heading. 

Here I will say that he has been the most consistent Male presence in our grandchildren's lives. He has put them First Over and Over. He has spoiled them rotten whenever he could. Several Christmases he worked 16 hours a day for months to spend thousands on their Christmas presents.  No Man deserves the title of Grandpa more on this planet.

Jeanette, Jessica and Jessalynn have all for different reasons at different times have tried to draw a Him or Me line in the sand. Jeanette even spit in his face once while he was supporting and cleaning up after her and her children. 

HE IS STILL HERE.

HE WILL ALWAYS BE HERE.

THANK YOU MOM.